Wendy Mendez Site

2007-09-09T00:35:00.000+01:00

Everything Is Changing In My World.

I realise I haven't blogged in 2 and a half months, so to update, I will do so.

Since the two Muse concerts in June, I've been busy sorting my life out, and in doing so I've got myself a shiny new job with the British Transport Police. Its full time, based up London and gives me great responsibility for ensuring the force is fully clothed. It should suit me more than J Sainsburys ever did, plus the money is an actual wage rather than a tuppence that was given to you so that in a courtroom situation it wasn't literally slavery. That officially starts in on Monday week, so until then I have myself a week off.

Other things which have happened in the past couple of months include the starting of the new football season.

Of course the 4th game of the new season for Charlton was the great 1-0 win over local rivals Palarse. Its always great to beat those mugs from Croydon, and i think 1-0 flattered them a bit. All in all its been a decent start for Charlton, something to build on.

Bromley have had a mixed opening to life in the Conference South, but are playing good football, especially in the 3-0 win away to Fisher Athletic. So far this season, I've been to both the Fisher game and the match away at local Rivals Sutton, which ended in a 2-2 draw, but Bromley should have had it won by half time.

Thats my fan eye view of Bromley going 1-0 up from the spot at Sutton.

My first home game for Bromley shall be on Saturday as Charlton are away at Colchester and I missed out on tickets.

Also in the last couple of weeks I turned 19 years old, which is bordering on old man territory. Well, not really, but it feels older than 18 fo' sure. For my birthday a group of us went to TGI Friday's in Purely Way then on to Walkabout in Croydon.

Driving-Wise, I did have a second test booked, and got as far as sitting in the test centre at the scheduled time of the test before being told it had been canceled, which was just clinically obese. The next one is booked for October, which helps nobody.

Finally, within a couple of weeks everybody would have either returned to uni or started uni, leaving me with very few friends left at home, which is gonna really suck. Literally like 3 people left in the West Wickham area. this also means the fantastic Cheese and Bread 5-a-side masters will have to disband, with the match on Thursday to be the last one. the next few months are going to be very odd, with a new job and pretty much a new life situation, but in the words of Michael in Arrested Development (The characters of which are my new Gods) I'm just going to have to 'keep my head down and power through it.'

Anyway, thats more than enough waffling for now, so I'm gonna bugger off.

2007-06-22T19:26:00.001+01:00

Muse baby!!!

2007-06-07T10:53:00.000+01:00

Driving Test

Failed :( 8 Minors, which would have been fine, but 2 majors, which both occured in the same incident. I was told to expect an emergency stop, so was concentrating on my speed, but failed to notice the junction ahead, meaning the examiner had to use the dual control for the car and stop me. Once he did this I knew I had failed so in my anger and disgust with myself when I went to restart the car I forgot to put it in neutral, causing the car to jolt into the junction that then examiner had braked to make sure I avoided. Balls. If it wern't for that I would have passed.

In other news......

9 DAYS UNTIL THE FIRST CONCERT, 10 UNTIL THE SECOND!!!

2007-04-15T21:17:00.000+01:00

The really simple things make me laugh.

The two msn screenames appeared in sequence on Sunday evening and gave me a cheap laugh.

2007-03-26T22:10:00.000+01:00

proof i still exist :)

I haven't blogged in well over a month, so I thought I best crack one out now.

Since my last post, many exciting things have interrupted the sleep,work,sleep,football cycle that I go through in the day to day business of milling through life, although a lot of them do involve football anyway, but I like that so it doesn't matter.

Well, looking back on the month, not a great deal has actually happen. I've had a fair bit of holiday from work which I spent relaxing and catching up with all the sleep which I have stolen from me by Sainsburys plc. I have applied for a new job at Head Office which will hopefully help me get out of this hell hole. I really can't understand why Sainsburys should be allowed to ask someone to do something as unnatural as staying up all night whilst performing duties which mean they as a company don't receive literally hundreds of thousands of pounds in fines and still only pay them a wage so embarassing. Anger. Anyway, enough of that, some of the good things that happened in the month.

Charlton bent over and raped West Ham 4-0 at home. It really was a surreal day, couldn't believe it at half time when we were 3-0 up. The night before was a lovely evening down the pub with 'Chard where we talked about the good old days and admired the view out of the window.

The rest of my time off included a trip to BBC TV Centre to see Dead Ringers being filmed again, all in the name of good fun. It was reasonably funny, but I didn't watch it when it went on air because it didn't merit a second viewing. I also went to the Bromley V Hampton game, a top of the table clash which the mighty Brom won 3-2. Anyway, so back to work on the Sunday, which nobody wants to see, but it happened anyway. The next weekend I work the saturday morning and have the sunday booked off so as of 10am on the Saturday I had a free weekend. So I went home and collapsed on the bedroom floor for a while, before waking up and heading to Ashford in Middlesex for the Bromley away game. We got lost on the way, turned up 30 mins after kick off and then managed to see the worst performance of the season as we lost 2-0 to piss weak oppsistion.

The ground itself was a bloody dump located next to a massive chemical works and not far from Heathrow airport. Another local attraction is Feltham Young Offenders Institute, which may be where they recrute their players from. As we turned up, within about 5 minutes Bromley's star striker Nic Mcdonnell watched a ball fly over his shoulder in the box, and went for a shot on the turn, but the 'keeper bravely got in his way and took a kick to the thigh for his trouble. 50/50 challenge, let the goalie pick himself up and get on with the game surely. But instead the goalie decides to roll so far he could have been appealing for a penalty at the other end, got Mcdonnell booked and thereby angried the Bromley fans who vented spleen in the direction of the guy with the dog and the white stick (the ref). As the half time whistle blew, and the players walked from the pitch, more shouting and general fist shaking was aimed at the ref, prompting one of the Ashford players to tell our fans to shut it. When my traveling buddy Chris retorted with the phrase, "To be fair, it was a 50/50 challenge," said player decided to come up to him and threatened to 'kick him in the fucking leg and see how he'd like it' thuus proving that whereas he may not have the skill to compete in the football league, he certainly has the temprement to.

Anyway, after that unpleasentness, we got in the car and headed to the Menier Chocolate Factory where I met up with Dareus and we say the quite wonderful comdian Marcus Brigstocke in front of a very intimate audience of 160. The man knows funny.

Here is some of his material.

Then, after getting home at about 11pm, i went to bed and got up early on Sunday for the scout trip to Thorpe Park, in which we did some rides, watched some rugger and generally had a good time.

Then, after working for a bit more, I enjoyed a further 5 days in a row off from work, a god send to a man who enjoys nothing more than sleeping like me. On the Thursday of this week, the mighty Cheese and Bread won at goals, a feat which they have only acheived twice before, prompting celebrations from our fans all around the country.

And on the friday, due to the second team captian returning from Uni, we were able to have a Team Ikea Breakfast!!

Soooooo cheap!!

And after returning to work on Saturday, I sped up to North London in order to witness the first ever game at the new Wembley stadium!! A moment in footballing history that I was glad to be a part of.

^The first goal scored at the new stadium after 28 seconds. The guy on the ball is literally about to let fly.^

A truly excellent stadium but the atmosphere was lacking, mainly due to the fact that it was more of a exhibition feel to the match.

All in all, a fair few things have happened recently and I have blogged them for your enjoyment.

Knackered.

2007-02-14T22:32:00.000Z

My brother made this little review show of the big brother that was on during last summer. It was rubbish. Therefore i decided to interupt, but took a nasty slap into the face for my troubles.

The funny bit isn't until towards the end, so feel free to click to it.

2007-01-29T19:48:00.001Z

Brommers video.

2007-01-08T22:57:00.000Z

So here it is. The Third anual review of the year on wendymendez.blogspot.com.

January 2006

The year starts at home, it a quiet, dissapointing evening, as I had work the very next day.

That evening went to the neighbours house and watched a film which is always enjoyable.

A big whale swims up the river thames before sucumbing to the death of himself.

February 2006

Charlton beat Liverpool 2-0 at home in a great evening to be an Addick.

The following Friday, I travel up to London for an interview type day with NATs, the people who train air traffic controllers. Unfourtanately I didn't get this job, but I was proud to see I was the only person who was under the age of about 22 there, which shows my CV wiritng skills are up to scratch.

I post the first video ever to make this blog. Muse- Sunburn, which of course is great.

March 2006

Charlton make it into the quarter finals of the FA cup, but they draw 0-0 at home, setting up a replay at Middlesbrough for the next month.

I take in my first away game of the season away at Highbury, but we get tonked 3-0 by the French.

I have a really great Sunday- Wake up at 5 am, go to work at 6am untill midday, then leave straight away to the football to see a really great 3-1 win against Newcastle and a chance to finally see Scott Parker play against us. Sure enough he got the ball, and managed to put it in the top corner from 30 yards before the words "Fucking wank pot tosser greedy cunt bastard' could leave our mouths. Quality player though. After that, we travel into central London, grab some beautiful chinese food, then travel on to the palledium to see Omid Jhalili! The worlds only Iranian comic, apart from Eddie Murphy of course. He was brillaint and broke his ankle for his encore.

Some stupid fool manages to fly his lorry into the railway bridge down at school.

This blog celebrates it's second birthday!! Joy and wonder!

April 2006

Operartion Riverside takes place, with the club offering free coach travel all the way up to Middlesbrough for the wednesday evening game. This meant leaving Bromley at 11.30, and getting to the game in plently of time. We lost 4-2, crash out of the fa cup with barely a whimper. Then we get back on the coach, and travel home, arriving at Bromley again at 4.15, and finally getting back to bed at 5am. All worth it though...

On the spur of the moment, I decide to go to fulham away with Dareus the day before the game. Needless to say we lost again.

At the end of the month, Alan Curbishley announces he is leaving the club. Its gone massively down hill since then.

May 2006

Finally leave school forever! Take A Levels of course, all in the name of good fun.

Iain Dowie joins charlton. The rest is history.

June 2006

The World cup starts and the A Levels continue.

I hold the wonderful BBQ Extravaganza during the England Paraguay game, which inspires the team to a one nil win!

July 2006

I take on more hours as a shelf stack at sainsburys, which isn't ideal but it has to be done.

Muse tickets are purchased!! Awesome!

Port Aventura in Spain is visted as good fun is had there.

August 2006

Tolmers Week is great as per always.

Premiership starts with Charlton losing their first two games before winning at the third attempt on my Birthday!

18 Successive years on earth are celebrated with a trip to the Railway.

A Level Results came in- all C's

September 2006

New job is applied for at sainsburys. I was so innocent then :(

New job is also started.

Trip to Bluewater where Paul's transvestism costs us big time.

October 2006.

First away game of the season takes us back to Fulham for another 2-1 defeat. Things start to look rubbish.

Two more videos for the site- the outakes for my film and the the glorious goal I scored at tolmers!

November 2006

Bromley FC play away at Gillingham in the first round of the fa cup proper, which I went to, and am now an avid Brommmmmmmmm fan!

Iain Dowie is sacked and Les Reed replaces him. The rest is history.

Reed's first game coincides with my second Charlton away game of the season- away at Reading. Worst charlton performance I have ever seen.

MUSE! Live at Wembley. Just great!

Seeing 8 out of ten cats the day after as well, so I was on TV in the audience.

December 2006

Jimmy Carr!!

Les reed gets sacked on christmas eve and replaced by Alan Pardew. the Rest s future history.

Christmas is a good day, boxing day sees a trip to Carshalton for Carshalton Vs. Bromley then an overnight work which obivously is rubbish.

The year ends in a sleepy mood at the railway.

So there it is, 2006 summed up in a few paragraphs, obivously the normal glaring ommisons of things I have forgotten, but not worry, you gets what you pays for.

2006-11-25T19:26:00.000Z

Muse live at Wembley Arena!!!!

Awesome shiiz.

2006-10-31T17:27:00.000Z

Enjoy.

2006-10-02T22:40:00.000+01:00

The long-awaited outakes reel from the hit movie, The Anonimity Of Murder

2006-09-26T17:27:00.000+01:00

That is Dareus, Akin, Paul and I on our much enjoyable and at the same time disasterous trip to the Hoody-less Republic of Bluewater.

On said trip we saw two vastly different films. The first was You, Me and Dupree, a Hollywood text that owed any credibility it gets to the highly comical performance of Owen Wilson, because on a whole the film was cack.

Secondly, we saw the British made Severence, a gore-fest set in some Eastern European country which Akin probably comes from. The was a quality horror based film with many gruesome moments including a man losing his leg to a bear-trap. This filmed finished at about 10.30 if I remember rightly, and when we came out we headed straight for the bus stop as we worried that we may have been pushing it tight to make the last train to Lewisham.

We waited for 20 minutes for a bus, and got on it towards Greenhithe station. As we got onto the main road, Paul realises he has left his bag of womens clothing at the bus stop. So we get off the bus at greenhithe and it is decision time. The next train is in 28 minutes, so any heading back to Bluewater could mean us missing the train. We therefore decide Paul's tranvestism isn't as important as getting home and go and wait for the train, which it turns out is on the Greenwich line rather than the Lewisham one and therefore, like all good fully grown, independant young adults ho have just left school I rang my daddy for a lift from outside Greenwich station.

A good day had by all.

And now onto more impressive matters. You may remember that in my previous post I mentioned that I was applying for a new, more interesting and important role at work. Well, happily I recieved the job and now I am in the Admin/Price Control department of Sainsbury's Bromley. You may call me Sir. Anywho, I also mentioned that If i got the job I would become semi-nocturnel and sure enough, today is the first time I will be working a whole night shift, something I look foward to. I start at 10pm, in four hours from now, and finish at 6am, in 12 hours from now. Considering i got up at 11am this morning, that means a 19 hour day, which isn't a monster really so I should be able to manage it, although i will find out tonight if it is easier typed than done. Yesterday I started work at 6am, in what was my first real day in the new department and undertook many interesting tasks such as reading the important messages from head office and also checking the tills are working correctly.

My new hours mean that I am very rarely at work during day time, because most days I finish by 10 am and therefore have the rest of the day to myself. So I've been thinking, what shall I fill my free time with?

Here is a list:

1. Watch DVDs
2. Watch TV
3. Play PES 5 online and n00b some pwns or whatever.
4. Join a gym perhaps.
5. Pump profits into Sainsburys by going there and wasting my money on crisps and drinks.
6. Join a clan- religious or otherwise.
7. Attempt to break the British Land Speed Record- it's all the rage these days.
8. Wildly strum my guitar in a bid to create a 'new sound'.
9. Cyber-stalk people on MySpace.
10. Offer my services to people on West Wickham Hight Street as a tour guide for the local area.

Anyways, thats it for now. If any body wishes to join my new clan feel free, I can send you an email leaflet explaining why our clan is better than both the Amish and Harri Kristners put together.

2006-09-04T14:20:00.000+01:00

Ok, So It's Been A While.....

A long time has passed sinced I last blogged and a lot has happened since then.

Things That Have Happened:

1. I got my A Level results- 3 C's, which is not too shabby, although I was gutted to find out I missed on a 'B' in Business studz by one measly mark.

2. I FINALLY turned 18 on 26th August 2006.

3. I have taken on more hours at work in Sainsburys, although this has only pushed me up to 26 hours a week, which is 4 hours on Monday, Thursday and Friday, 6 hours on Sunday and a full day every Wednesday.

4. I have applied for a new posisiton at Sainsburys as an Admin/Price Control Assistant. I find out today if i get it. If i do, I will not be seen by you people again as I will becoming semi-nocturnel.

5. New footy season has started of course. Although that wasn't really something I did.

Anyway, as a service to you, I give you my film that I created. Note the sterling acting from many members of the cast....

2006-07-19T23:18:00.000+01:00

Today I had my first experience of what working a full 9 hour day at Sainsbury's is like. Its not too bad. You get an hour and a half worth of breaks, which includes a mammoth one hour lunch stop, in which I explored the wonders of south central Bromley.

But the bad news is: its fucking boiling. And they reckon that in 50 years that today's tempreture of 35*C will be the AVERAGE for summer days. So, I know predict that in 2056, when I am 67 years old, I will die due to severe lack of bodily fluids (SLBF).

And now the good Muse: On the 22nd of November 2006, I will be attending a rock concert of the highest order, by the world famous Muse. And Big love to David the Cooper for whipping out his mother's credit card and buying the tickets. I can't bleedin' wait.

Over And Out And Stuff.

2006-06-19T01:19:00.000+01:00

Here's The Plan

When our beloved Ingerland get through to world cup final on Sunday, July 9th (8pm Kick Off) I shall be once again hosting a World Cup BBQ Extravaganza!! But this one will be bigger, better, and we will be watching inside so it will be possible to see the screen.

Everybody shall be invited. Food and drink should be bought by all who wish to eat or drink. I shall provide the TV, the BBQ, the Chef (Akin), and some crisps mit dip. The garden shall be avliable for playing football in, the trampoline for over exuberant goal celebrations and castle for making a fort during half time.

And, when England have finally finished off whoever we are playing, the next plan of action shall be decided. If it isn't too late, ie. we polish them off in 90 mins, then we shall all jump on the train to London Charing Cross and join the fiesta in Trafalgar Square! Otherwise, we could just have a ratherly 'wench' garden celebration involving drinking and all your other family fun.

The next day, to continue the celebrations I will be going back to Trafalgar Square, armed with an England flag and as many air floater balls as I can get my grubby mits on, and trying to start off a major Carling advert in the Area!

When this party is pulled off, it could be the single most brilliant feeling in our football supoorting careers. Are you with me? Of course you fucking are!!!!!

Disclaimer- When England get knocked out in the second round by Ecuador, these plans are null and void.

2006-06-12T19:42:00.000+01:00

The England World BBQ Pictures!!!

I'll just whack these on for you to look at, i feel the whole day went really well. Big Rude Boy shout out to Akin for doing the Cooking, Dareus for helping set it up and provding the mini fridge, and Paul for coming early, getting pissed, and providing us all with a cheap laugh.

In other News, I now own a myspace at www.myspace.com/louismendez - feel free to have a look, and listen to Knights Of Cydonia by Muse which I have put on it.

2006-06-08T13:45:00.000+01:00

Saturday 10th June

ENGLAND VS. PARAGUAY (2PM KICK OFF)

Arrive at my house from 1pm onwards for a World Cup BBQ Extravaganza!!

Please Bring Any Food You Would Like BBQ-ed and Some Drinks

Enjoy The World Cup In The Company Of Your Mates!!

2006-05-31T14:17:00.000+01:00

Dowie Sticks Fingers Up At Jordan And Joins Number One Team In South London

Iain Dowie has joint Charlton in a move that has infuriated Simon Jordan, causing him to become, well, reamin a 'healthy' orange. Jordan stupidly released Dowie from his contract at Crystal Palace last week, believing that Dowie whished to move up north to be with his family.

And Dowie has moved a mammoth 6.8 miles north of Croydon to Se7 where he becomes the manager of Premiership team Charlton Athletic, replacing Alan Curbishley who managed the addicks for 15 years, in a move that showed remaining loyal to your management team can eunsure success. Incidentily, Palace had 13 managers in that time and currently find themseles struggling to get of the Championship playing to crowds of under 20,000 at a ground where Blue Peter badge holders get in free.

Jordan has issued Dowie with a writ in a shameless publicity stunt at the press conference where Dowie was being unveiled as the Charlton boss. This 'pantomime' display went like this:

Charlton chairman Richard Murray said he thought it must be the pantomime season when a middle-aged man waving a piece of paper burst into the press conference to unveil new manager Iain Dowie. Here's how the 'panto' unfolded:

Bailiff: "Mr Dowie. I have a writ to serve on you on behalf of Crystal Place Football Club..."
Murray: "This is a joke isn't it?"
Bailiff: "For fraudulent misrepresentation in the terms of leaving Crystal Palace..."
Murray: "You're joking..." [laughs]. Scuffling begins as a burly security guard blocks the path of the bailiff towards the podium where Dowie is seated.
Bailiff: "I will leave. I will leave..."
Journalist [to Murray]: "He probably had a writ for you as well."
Murray laughs. Security guard has a physical hold on the bailiff as he escorts him past, among others, chief executive Peter Varney and general manager Andrew Mills up the stairs to the door.
Murray: "We had a chat with Simon Jordan and he was all right with it."
[Then, almost inaudibly to Dowie]: "Did he say whose name it was in? Or was he just a plant?" [laughs].
Dowie [joking]: "I don't know, I've got five others waiting!"
Finally, the bailiff is escorted away and waits outside the Valley in a second attempt to serve the writ. He is later invited back and accomplishes his task.

Naturally, the calm, cool and collected Richard Murray wasn't phased.

"I didn't know what was going on - suddenly this guy came running in waving a piece of paper," said Richard. "It was amazing.

"Simon knows my number and he knows Iain's number - why can't he just pick up the phone?

"He does seem to do all his communication in bizarre ways, such as Sunday newspapers.

"If he's got a gripe with me let's just hope he's man enough to pick up the phone and talk to me.

"He does everything through the press. I think he's called me all sorts of names but I never respond, that's not my style. We just get on with winning games here at Charlton. If Simon wants to ring me about compensation he can.

"What he's got against Charlton Athletic I have no idea, apart from the fact his club got relegated at The Valley a couple of seasons ago."

The chairman added: "To my knowledge Iain had signed a compromise agreement - an agreement to waive the contract - but I don't think it had anything to do with moving house or his family.

"Iain's with us now and I'm going to back him to the hilt. I know he's got integrity and that's all that counts.

"Simon's probably just a bit bitter that he's lost a excellent manager."

Murray also confirmed that the new Charlton boss will be settling within close proximity to The Valley

So, after the events of the past few days, Dowie is the new Charlton manager, Jordan still has to Enjoy the Championship You Tosser, and once again his outspoken views have made him look quite the tit, although, the hair and the fake tan didn't help.

2006-05-23T21:34:00.000+01:00

6 Lessons Left.
4 Free Periods.
2 Lunchtimes.
NO HOMEWORK EVER.

This is what it is all about! Overall I can't decide whether I am glad to leave. Obviously it would be weird to not see the people I've seen everyday for the last 7 years, but to be honest that isn't all round a bad thing. No more Mr. Thompson and his "Lewis, make your mother proud, tuck you shirt in." No more sexual harassment from Glover, but at the same time no more dancing lessons from Malyszko. No more hanging out with the lads every break and lunch time, no more free periods down the cafe or round Dareus' house. But, now I will start to earn more money, have free time when not at work where I wont have to worry about homework, maybe have time to play the guitair I bought, and heaven forbid, try and improve muy social life. Which may be difficult if most of the people I know leave for far away Universities.

Anyways, I've decided to whack together a list of my memories of the years I've spent at Langley, in what I call

"The List Of My Memories Of The Years I've Spent At Langley Extravaganza."

Year 7: Seems like a lifetime away now, but I remember that I had long blonde hair, in the timeless bowl style (one adopted and adapted by the 'Chard in homage to me). My first form tutor was Mr. Finch, a hard nosed Scottish bastard who supported Chelsea. Of the people in my first from, the ones who I still talk to now are Akin, Gary, Andrew, David and Dan. Lessons wise, the only thing I can really remeber is having ICT first thing on a Monday with Mcgregor, who used to call me a genius.

Year 8: Always going to be the least memorable year at the school, with nothing important happening. I think we went to Youlgrave in this year, which was a very decent trip and included a day at Alton Towers. There was the infamous cycling trip as well, where pretty much everyone could of course ride a bike by this age. Some people where of course just attached to the back of someone else's bike and just dragged along. And they still manages to fall off. A beatiful moment.

Year 9: This year was most memorable for the fact i was promoted to set 1 in maths, and therefore had to endure Mr.'Wacko Jacko' Jacubovic, the strictist, yet at the same time funniest teacher in the world. One time, I was rewarded for being late to one of his lessons, as everybody who turned up on time was held back during lunch for not queing up in silence, alphabetical order and facing the front. If you yawned, he would come out with such classics as "Errr..Dipple, I don't want to see a huge Dipple shaped Polo Mint every time I look up," Or "Errrr..O'Conner, If I wanted a target for my chalk throwing practice I will ask you." Of course, he's high pitched yorkshire accent also helped increase the comedy of the man.

Year 10: A new form, with Mr. Bailey, the art teacher, or lazy fuckwits as they are known in gruops. In this form, my group included Dave Chandler, (T)Eddy, Ashley and Matt Sykes, who has now been missing for over year. If you have him, maybe he is living under you stair, tell him to give me my fucking DVDs back. Of course, it is in this form that I was christened 'Wendy' by Matt and Ed, who clearly see nothing but feminine beauty in me. What sort of job is it to watch children paint pwitty pwictures ffs. Anyway, this year is the year I started both Business and Media Studies, two of the three subjects I will have A Levels in at the end of this year. This is where the round Business teacher known as Mr. Thompson first 'learnt' 'my' 'name'. Every week I would tell him "It's Louis (loo EE) sir, not Lewis (loo WIS)." And every week he would still call me Lewis. Stupid fat man.

Year 11: Year of the GCSEs. Whacked out some A's and B's and C's. Pretty happy with the return, but of course they mean nothing now. Of course, the most impotant thing to come out of this year was the MASSSSSSSIVE summer holiday at the end of it which rocked my shocks (Thats right, shocks). Best time ever, I'm sure you will agree.

Year 12: Sixth form starts and naturally I start to become lazy. What with film studies now being taken, we had the awesome film trips, to see such master pieces as The Machurian Candidate which was a most 'good' piece of film making, but fuck it, we got pizza hut before hand anyway. And of course, we all went to New York, which would make up for any number of crap films. The free periods that we now enjoyed were spent in the hall and ivolved muchos pissing about. The battle for the Astroturf rages on with the hockey Team and their all powerful leader Naismith, a battle which spanned over a year and a half but one that we have won! Naturally I wouldn't want to rub his face in it, just because he has been overthrown by a sport that actually means something to some people, one that you could spend your life involved with without wasting it. You arse.

Year 13: The last ever year, which is going to finish with a bang in the A Level exams which loom meancingly round the corner, like a peadohpile at mothercare. This year Glover has turned on me in business, Butterworth proved his worth as a media mentor and Malyszko kept up his awesome form as an all round entertainer in the David Brent stylie. The kebab shop and Sema's Cafe have become frquented by my fine self and members of my hip hop posse, where many a fry up and pepsi have been enjoyed. I made a film, I constucted an auteur project and become one of the astroturf's most prolific strikers. I've achieved nothing yet though.

So there it is, the last seven years of my life summed up in 778 words, which would suggest that I'm not really leaving much behind, but of course I will miss aspects of the school. However, a new begining is just that, and who knows what the next few years holds for me. I don't, and nor does that guy over there, I asked him.

Spread this shit around, It would be good to see what sort of scope of people from Langley read this, it would be great if you leave a comment saying your name and how you meet me at school. Cheers.

Here's a leaving present for y'all. Jonathon Ross' entrance scenes are always classic, but this one doesn't take the biscuit, it takes the pissing jaffa cake.

2006-04-29T20:56:00.000+01:00

End Of An Era. Thanks Alan.

2006-03-22T16:37:00.000Z

Happy 2nd Birthday To My Beatiful Blog!!!!

Who'd of thunk it? Over two years and still going feeble....I mean strong, big, muscular strength. With bells on. The actual D.O.B. of the blog was the 10th March 2004, so this is a belated celebration, but a long awaited one.

So, what does this blog mean to it's legions of fans? A quick laugh once in a while? Or maybe a one-stop shop for a whole host of furious political debate and the news affecting our everyday lives? Answer In A Comment Please, as I can't be arsed to make some up.

Anyway- Onto The Music Quiz Wagon- iPods at the ready.....

How does the world see you?
Black Soul- Brainfreeze - A bit on the dark side aye?

Will I have a happy life?
Love Is Only A Feeling- The Darkness - One I may have to live without? Oh my, does that mean my life will be devoid of love and my evil legacy will have no heir?

What do my friends really think of me?
Alone, Together- The Strokes - They'd like to be alone with me. Whatever rocks your world baby :P

Do people secretly lust after me?
Baggy Trousers- Madness - Well, if they want my trousers to be falling down, what more can I ask?

How can I make myself happy?
Rock The Casbah- The Clash- Could that have gone any better?!

What should I do with my life?
Deer Dance- System Of A Down - Become one of those people who dance in the deer costumes at Thorpe Park? It does seem like my destiny.

Will I ever have children?
Oh My God- Kaiser Chiefs - So, I'm going to be alone and having the new chuld of God? Am I the Virgin Mary or what!?

What is some good advice for me?
Dream A Little Dream Of Me- The Mamas And The Papas - Of who I wonder?

How will I be remembered?
Jet Pilot- System Of A Down - OMG I'm the Hann.

What is my signature song?
Take Me Out- Franz Ferdinand - Is that a plea for attention?

What do I think my current theme song is?
Blind Man- The Darkness - I do have disfigured hearing- my eyesight is fine and dandy.

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Na Na Na Na Naa- Kaiser Chiefs - Explain please, everybody else.

What song will play at my funeral?
Jilted John- Jilted John - If you've never heard this song, it's about a bloke who gets dumped by his girlfriend for his mate. Leading me to kill myself?

What type of men/women do I like?
The Man Who Would Be King- The Libertines - I would fall for a Prince eh? Thats odd, I look like one. I love myself then?

What is my day going to be like?
Escape- Muse - Ironic, I have just been to see the film Inside Man which is about a hostage situation. Strange indeed.

So in conclusion, the iGods seem to know something we don't, or at least didn't before now. HAHAHAHA......Be Afraid.

Clumsy Bastard Causes Travel Havock

2006-03-02T16:05:00.000Z

Hundreds of school children are today left stuck outside the gates of their school after a careless peice of driving has meant bus routes and train lines have been terminated early after a lorry crashed into a train bridge in the Eden Park area today around 2pm, reports Louis Mendez.

No injuries have been reported from the scene, although eye witness reports that one middle aged women was lucky to escape with the rest of her life. "I watched as her legs turned to jelly," says one shocked one looker, known only by the name Tom Gale. "She was half trying to run away, half scared stiff as the lorry started tipping over towards her."

The lorry is currently tipping on it's side, resting on some poor bugger's car. The lorry was owned by the Tyneside based Simpsons Brother's company. The driver was quoted as saying "I was just trying to gaan' roond the corner when this bridge joomped oot of nowhere, and me lorry went oop' on it's side wheels, but I'm fine now, noones hurt so its champion."

As a result, all trains between Hayes and London have now been disrupted meaning travel chaos for the children trying to leave for home now and the yuppie types who will be travelling home from London tonight. The 358 bus service is also severly distrupted.

2006-02-04T21:52:00.000Z

The first song from the first album from Muse- Sunburn. Are we lovin' it?
Aren't I quite the smartarse:) Cheers Paul.

2006-01-21T21:27:00.000Z

Rest In Peace My Whale Friend. Struck down in the low tide of your life, whilst you were having a whale of a time wailing on the way to Wales.

http://newyorkaddick.blogspot.com/2006/01/kevin-lisbie-stranded-in-thames.html#comments That Made Me laugh <<<<<

2006-01-09T21:12:00.000Z

It's time for the second annual Review of the Year. Just for shits and giggles.

January 2005

Year starts at home, in a vomiting druken stylie. A poor showing, but i still managed to go to the football on New Years Day despite spending most of the previous night, sat on my bedroom floor trying not to die.

I venture up to Scouser land for the second time in 3 months to watch Charlton thrash Everton 1-0. Much jubilation on the 6 hour coach journey home."Hey Scouse, you've got my roof on your house"

February 2005

Hair seems to confuse me, as does why I choose to do fecking ICT for fecking AS level.

I get shodingly bored.

March 2005

NEWWWWWWWWWWW YORRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!! My new favourite place in the world. I wanna go back. I wanna take people there. I'd live there if Charlton came with me.

Ketchup?

Love affair with Muse starts in Room 302 of The Edison Hotel, New York, NY. Changed me for good.

Higher Ed Conference. Wow. I came home with a token prospectus. Then went to Pizza Hut with some people who I really didn't actually know, or know now. Got Pizza though, so it didn't matter.

April 2005

Scout trip to Thorpe Park. Yummy.

Away trip to Norwich, get Matthais Svenssons's autograph, saw him score the last minute winner. Penissy.

Decide to sort out some hours to be changed at work, so i started at 6am and finished at 12 pm one Sunday. All just to go and see Charlton get tonked 4-0 by Man Yoo. Curses.

May 2005

Mr. Naismith and his bunch of hockey "penis jockey" types fail at the final of the nationals, with Peter Knobson missing a last minute penalty. Tears of joy, I think not, from Naismith.

Sha la la la la la la la WE SENT THE PALARSE DOWN!!

Exams. Cromwell Juice.

June 2005

Sturdy Leaf. Just reading through that month's bloggage- I had a fucking great time. Trips here and there, bowling, Star Wars, Wimpey, Father Ted. Even when Exams were included it was great. Well done me.

Twenty20 Cricket. Go on Joyceeeee.

Richard Whitely dies. Countdown is now shit.

July 2005

Live 8. Good concert, despite the annoying videos of hungry Africans in the middle of it. (too soon?)

We win the Olympics. Bring it on!!

We get bombed a tiny little bit. Twice-ish. You're gonna have to try harder than that you dirty non-muslims.

Working the trollies. Easy money.

Menorca. "Calm down, calm down." Heat stroke aswell.

August 2005

Tolmers. The woman who wouldn't leave. Sweet.

Exam results. Encouragingly sweet.

Found some hidden breastage on the computer. Tut to the Jethro.

Canada. Toronto to be precise. Mini New York. Sweet.

Birthday. Sweet 17 or something like that.

Charlton win a lot of football matches. It hasn't lasted.

September 2005

Upper Sixth Starts.

Tickets to Jimmy Carr purchased. Oh, I was so innocent at the time, hoping for a jolly night out.

October 2005

We pissed all over Chelsea at Satmpford Birdge.

Went on Scout trip to Alton Towers. Immense.

November 2005

Bliss. Gary. Laughable. Other certain stories in the magazine where also very funny. "accidently showed a tuft of pubic hair out the side of my bikini" "my finger wont fit up there" etc.

Jimmy Carr at Hammersmith, really funny. Nazis at Charring Cross. Not quite the same effect.

December 2005

Christmas, and the shopping that came beforehand. Which took me all the way to Bluewater, including an almost overnight stay in bloody Sidcup station on the way home.

Charlton still shit. As was New Years Eve.

So, a turbulent year, with highs and lows, and middles. Hope 2006 sees you all well.

2005-12-21T23:08:00.000Z

Who Do Think Is More Insane?

2005-11-22T15:41:00.000Z

So, the guy in the suit or the guy in the green fishnets, the pink hotpants, the pink cowboy jacket, the pink cowboy hat and with the make up on, who has been listening to music whilts dancing with inanimate objects.

When I tell you that one of these is radical neo-nazi scum, you may find it an easy decision.

2005-11-15T15:03:00.000Z

Picture The Scene

There I am having a read of my favourite magazine, Bliss (like the song) and I stumble across
a very interesting article.

As you can see, they are asking 40 "fit lads" the answer to the question every 12 year old girl wants to know.

And some of the repsonses are fecking weird. Foot fetish was one, with Luke Freeman, 16, from Eltham stating he likes girls "Wearing sexy boots?!" Cannibilism was the sexual game prefered by the 18 year old Marlon Nicholls from Canvey Island who said he would be turned on "If she nibbles my earlobes, and gives me a few gentle bites- anywhere!"

Then there was roleplay. Ashley Watson, 17, from Beckenham likes it "When a girl touches my hair and strokes behind my ears....".... like a dog?

Finally, there was Gary Stewart (Richards brother), 17, from the hood of Sydenham, who likes "The way a girl looks at you, then looks away again." Normally when that happens to me, she would be looking away in disgust. Maybe Gary has the wrong end of the preverbial stick.

And just look at the state of him!

Anways....... JIMMY CARR THIS SATURDAY AFTER CHARLTON PLAY MAN YOO AT HOME!!!

2005-10-03T22:16:00.000+01:00

Stolen from elsewhere...

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right toarm bears.My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spentmost of our family holidays in Customs.

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido mustbe sh*tting herself.

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, butI was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams toget me to sleep at night.

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blindpeople were given pointed sticks?

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhamptonwhen I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favouriteflower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening..Self-raising?"

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots andpunched someone in the face.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would havethought the obvious one was "Shout For Help."

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can takethe Girl out of Cork...

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you gojoin the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want witha plumber".

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm notvery good at it.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through atunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.They're trained for that.

BELTING!!

2005-09-27T16:53:00.000+01:00

Hey ho, 'tis a good day in the Louis camp today. Yesterday, the news of a gig by Jimmy "Mr. Channel 4" Carr filtered through, so tickets shall be purchased soon. November 19th promises to be a good day, with Charlton Vs. Man Yoo at home during the afternoon, and the big JC at the Hammersmith Appollo in the evening.

Anyways, here is a nice pollitically "correct" joke for all you devoted fans of this blogarooney.

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures, and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now.""Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully."He's a martyr now, though," mum confides."Oh, so sad dear," says the other."

And this is my second son Akin. He's 21.""Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born.""He's a martyr, too," says mum quietly. "Oh gracious me," says the other."

And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers."Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school.""He's a martyr, also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

2005-09-20T18:17:00.000+01:00

Once upon a time in Toronto...

It's about time I did the Canada write up.

Canada is an extension of the USA. It wants to be everything that America is, and achieves that to a great extent.
I think of Canada as the USA with a different flag flying in every avaliable nook and cranny.

Soon will be the photos.

Here be the photos.

The CN Tower- the tallest, longest, hardest phallic symbol in the world. It's long, hard and full of toursits.

Toronto City from a distance. It's like a miniture New York. However, you miss a good deal of the city in the picture. That is because they have an underground system of paths and shops, that liknks up bascially the whole city.

The Path system is absolutely massive. Every building is reachable through it. I could start in the hotel, get the lift all the way down to the Path, and stroll along to the Eaton Centre, a shopping centre a good half a mile away without going outside. I could, but I didn't. I got lost. I had to go upto street level, and just do it the easy way.

On my 17th Birthday, we went on a day trip to Niagra Falls, one of the seven wonders of the world.

Above is the Canadian Falls which are larger and wetter than the McAmerican Falls (Pictured Below)

The waterfalls are both huge, and you can recieve a $10,000 fine for going over them. I neglected this add on to the day trip package, and home we went.

This sign a-mus�-d me. The picture was taken at Ontario Place, a small theme park on the outskirts of the city. There wasn't a great variety of rides, but I did manage to go on a rather kick ass log flume- named Colossus(!)

Above is Olympic Spirit. It is a museum kind of thing that celebrates that Canada beat The USA in the hockey final at the last Winter Games. It has all sorts of sports simulators, such as Ice Hockey, which was uber difficult, a Curling game, which was like ice-bowels and also the sprint track (seen above) which was just over 10 metres long, and I kicked some behind at.

However, I lost the race to the podium, and had to stand on the third place platform.

That is one of the RBC (Royal Bank of Canada) buildings. The good people at RBC basically paid for our trip, by providing a very reduced rate at the best hotel in the City- The Royal York. It is the hotel that the Queen has her own personal suite in. So, naturally, Prince Harry just had to stay there.

The final picture of the post is inside the Rogers Centre, the 60,000 seater baseball, American football and Concert Hall. It was renamed the Rogers Centre when the Rogers Monopoly bought it. Before then it was called the Skydome- but boasts less hurricanes and rapes than the one in New Orleans. The Blue Jays, Toronto's cack Ball team were playing Teh Cleveland Indians, who they beat 2-1, in a very poor match, but it was enjoyable none the less.

And so comes the end of the post, a post which has many glaring omissions, as the holiday was so long ago that I forgot what actually happened.

Hope you enjoyed it. I certainly did. Also, I bought an iPod Mini out there.

A lesson in computing.

2005-08-23T00:03:00.000+01:00

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear the third. Someone has been forgetting some basic computer stuff here. Whence you delete something, it gets sent to the recyling bin. It doesn't just dissappear. I knew this, which is why I was in the bin (not literally) in the first place. I needed to delete an entry for 'Chard's sign competition which I downloaded, but I don't have winzip, so I couldn't open it.

But in the bin, I stumbled accross three images I have never seen before. They were of a young lady, whose name I shall withhold.

After peering at the first image, I thought, hmm, a respectable young lady friend of my little brother- The Jethro. I knew this as when I restored the file to it's original location, it was in Jed's Habbo Hotel folder.

I proceded to open the second- and I had to shield my very eyes.

<<<<<<<DO NOT LOOK AT THIS INCREDIBLE, MOST SHOCKING IMAGE YOU WILL EVER SEE, EVER!

However,we all encounter worse at school on a daily basis, so I felt that perhaps she was just showing a wild side to impress for the cameras.

This is when I went for the third, most dispicable piece of webcammery I have ever seen.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<DIVERT THINE EYES CHILDREN

How can anybody miss their face by that much? Is she some sort of uneducated fool? Or perhaps this respectable young lady friend of my little brother was trying to arouse him into giving over his PIN number or maybe even his Habbo password. I shall ask the Jethro to explain this away when he has read this post, as I know he clicks on the ol' blog every now and then.

Stay Safe Kids- I'm off to Canada for a week soon- How on earth will you function without me?

You cant beat a good blog before work

2005-08-18T16:41:00.000+01:00

So, seems like the time for an address to my loyal follwers. And here it is.

Today, I recieved the results in my AS Levels. And they were as follows:

Meeja Studz - C

Film Studz - C

ICT- D

General Studz- U dont wanna know ;)

Bee's Knees Studz- B!!

I am uber-ly pleased with the B in Business! I worked so hard, and got the results. Media and Film were acceptable and ICT was expected- I'm dropping it anyway. As for General Studies, I guess that you don't get points for wit and humour and repartee, you bunch of red nosed twats.

On a completely unrelated matter, I have been deciding the best course of action for what I want to do after I leave Sixth Form. I want to get a job, and becomming a Police man seems well within my grasps. It would be interesting, and earn very decent moo-la.

On a further completely unrelated matter- I shall tell you what I have been up to during the summer. On the first Thursday after breaking up, I left for the sunny shores of Menorca, on a week long family holiday. It was like going to Liverpool, but with the weather. There was a ridiculous amount of not house trained scousers there. So many, that the swimming pool was rechristened "The Mersey."

When I got back, I spent one day at home before departing for Tolmers Scout and Guide camp, a week long event which rocks the arse of the other 51 weeks of the year. As many fun activities as you can shake a stick at, as well as long evenings spent burning your tits and freezing your arse off around a campfire (think about it).

Now I am back in SE London for a week and a bit, before I re-bugger off, this time to Toronto. We all know how the song goes- "Canada- FUCK YEH!" I will be in Canada over my birthday, so hopefully I will return one iPod better off.

And finally, I have a new MSN account due to some unfortunate incidents. It is louis_1988_cafc@hotmail.com Feel free to add me if you are not some kind of stalker and/or weirdo.

A picture of my good self looking typically joyful in Menorca-

2005-07-26T12:04:00.000+01:00

HELP

My MSN account has been hacked- my password and secret question has been changed. If anyone knows how to deal with this please send an email to my new address:

louis_1988_cafc@hotmail.com

2005-07-19T21:19:00.000+01:00

Answers on a postcard- or at least a comment.....

You are the President of the United States and NASA tells you that a large meteor is heading straight for Earth and it will strike France at 2:00 a. m, one month from today.France calls and begs you to use your entire arsenal of missiles and warheads to save them.

You know that by doing this it will take away from the war efforts in Iraq and hurt the war on terrorism.If you don't do it France is toast.

.....................HERE IS YOUR DILEMMA...........

Do you stay up and watch it live, or tape it and watch it in the morning?

2005-07-15T23:40:00.000+01:00

How to deal with Chavs- bought to you by Prof. Louis Mendez

So, as we all know, the lowlife that now have spread through this country like the vermin they are, are not the most intelligent of people. If they approach you, out wit them, and they be buggered.

Today at work, fine example:

I am working the trollies in the car park, and there is a group of about 15 male chavs, about my age, if not slightly younger, hanging around doing the square root of fook all.

One of them pipes up a bit of courage and enquires, in a rather un-educated tone, "Don't this get boring mate?" I wasn't impressed with this obvious attempt to take the piss, so I simply replied, "Yes, but at least I'm getting paid to hang around the Sainsbury's car park." There was no further comment from said Chav.

I thank you.

2005-07-08T15:43:00.000+01:00

DOWN BUT NOT DEFEATED

THE FREE WORLD LIVES ON

London Forever

RIP

2005-07-06T15:30:00.000+01:00

Are you watching Jacque Chirac? Result! LONDON 2012!

Good to win the Olympics!

Superb to beat the French!!

2005-06-28T15:12:00.000+01:00

Twenty20 Cricket

The loss of footy has finally been overcome, with this new exciting sport to go and watch during the long summer months. This shortened version of the game means only 40 overs are played, which lasts roughly 3 hours.

So, last Wednesday, I went to the Beckenham cricket ground to watch Kent Spitfires take on the Surrey Lions (grrrr). Dad and Joe came with. Kent batted first, and were scoring few runs and were losing buckets by the wicket full. This piss poor show of batsmanship meant that Surrey were able to reach the target within 16 overs, giving the hosts quite a thrashing. However, a decent enough time was had and therefore myself and Con decided to go again for the next match on the Saturday.

And then Saturday came, and me and Con, with his mate Thom got a lift to the ground where we met up with Chris, Rob, Helen and Amy (I think), who had a couple of spare seats next to them in the second row. The weather was decent, the vino (well, Pimms) was a-flowing, and we began the enjoyment of the game. This time the Spitfires were taking on the Middlesex Crusaders, and the visitors were first into bat.

Every wicket was met with a chorus of cheers, each 4 or 6 with a chorus of boos, however, the Kent bowling was just not good enough and the Crusaders had managed to achieve a total of 189 for 8, which meant Kent would have to get 190 runs to win the game. Not bloody likely.

At the turnaround, many little kiddies, as is traditionally down, went into the outfield to chuck balls around. Seeing a perfect opportunity to exercise his power, "The Man," decided to chuck all the children off and stop them having fun. "Oi, you, stop smiling you little shit," was shouted at one startled girl, aged 4. However, we spotted our own opportunity here and decided that little Thom could have a pound for every minute he stayed on the pitch. He lost his nerve after just the one, but it was funny watching the stewards talking with each other, planning the best course of action to remove the little boy from the field of play.

When Kent came into bat, the legend that is Ed Joyce was sent to field in front of us, and he was about 15 yards ahead of us.

ED JOYCE <<<<< (bit of a looker, isn't he)

The fool responded to our chants of "Joyceeeee, gis' a wave" and therefore was our target for any abuse we wanted, as he was on the other team (hehe).

Joyce must have been confused by the following random shouts we administered.-

"Joyceeeee, we love you!"

"Joyceeee, you're shit!"

"Joyceeee, let it go for 4!"

"Where were you for that Joyce?"- in response to a massive 6 that flew 20 yards over his head.

And whenever the over was ,well, over, and he moved to his other fielding position- "Joyceeeee, we thought you loved us!"

Ah, good old Joyce, bet he has never enjoyed this at a cricket match before.

Other great chants were heard as well, including "SIT DARRRN" to a Middlesex fan who jumped in celebration of a wicket, and the superb-

"Sha la la la la la la la *clap clap*

Sha la la la la la la la *clap clap*

We're gonna beat the Middlesex!"

However, this was changed to "We're gonna lose to Middlesex" as the game wore on and we realised we had no hope in hell of reaching that lofty target.

The post-match hoo ha included a parachute display by 4 blokes, who were advertising Spitfire Beer, by flying in with the Man of the Match cheque, I daresay for Ed Smith, who scored a massive 85, though it could have been awarded to Ed Joyce, for being a legend of ridiculous proportions.

Afterwards, we remained behind for about an hour so we could have a knock about with the bat and ball on the pitch for a while, and so Chris could laugh at Rob Key (Kent Batsman), who apparently is 12 stone something, when he is obviously about 15 stone at least! ("Run fat boy," was yelled whenever he was fielding)

So, in conclusion, whenever the next Valley game is three months away, I will try and get to a good ol' game of Twenty20 cricket, for the excitement, the sun and the drunkenness.

2005-06-27T21:19:00.000+01:00

RIP Richard Whiteley, He's up there in the conundrum in the sky.

2005-06-20T17:18:00.000+01:00

Just testing this PhotoBucket Malarkey

2005-06-20T16:02:00.000+01:00

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression.

I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for 10 cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

2005-06-11T22:12:00.000+01:00

Sturdy Leaf

Now that all the terrible exams are over, I feel a responsisiblty to report to all how they went. Of course, the first exam was a week before Study Leave properly started, and it was the most pointless. General Studies- Joy. So long, so ridiculous, and slightly fishy. A question about Criminals being taken fishing, how wasteful of our time.

Then study leave started on the Monday, where we were greeted with 2 more general studies exams in the afternoon. After a few more hours counting bricks on walls and sipping Cromwell juice, we were free for that afternoon, which I spent revising for the Film Studz exams we had the next day.

The morning arrived and down to school we went. The exams wern't as tough as I had worried they'd be, and when dismissed, myself and 'Chard commenced in one of our favourtie pastimes, strolling up and down West Wickham high street in the search of an open chippy. And this day also marked my last exam untill after the half term break, so I felt sweet freedom for a lovely week and a half.

So, on the Wednesday, i spent the morning travelling to The Valley, to purchase a Tshirt that aids in the piss taking of any stripey palarse fans. Then, in the afternoon, me and the main proprietor of 'Chard chicken went into Brommers to see Star Wars: Episode Three: Revenge of the Sith, and I wasn't suprised to see that we two wernt the only people breaking study leave and day tripping it to the land of Primark, McDonalds and Chavs. We counted 20 people from our school, a list of which can be found on Stewie's blog. The film was very enjoyable, and answered many questions, such as what that bright sword they use is actually called- a light saber.

Thursday was duelly wasted as I had work in the evening, and then on Friday I decided to join Paul's crew on a jaunt to bowling in Purley Way, which was alright, but obviously I had to be back for work so it wasn't a long day.

Half term came and went without much hilarity, it included a morning at school ffs, doing ICT revision- hmm, so this is how you send an email. Went to Wimpey for a spot of lunch on the Thursday with Paul, and wasted the Friday, you know, for kicks.

By the following Monday, I had spent a little while revising for Business Studies, which took up three hours of my time that day. It was set on a case study about sarnie company Pret a Manger. It was tiring and dull but reasonably successful. That day also marked the Birthday of Paul, Richard, Lauren and Holly, so happy 17th and like, 12th or something birthday to them.

Tuesday was spent on a massive strollation into the Capital City of our borough, Bromley, where I purchased the long awaited Complete set of Father Ted and Richard bought the eagerly anticipated Wicker Man soundtrack. Then, after I had a sandwich and Richard oggled some breasts in Pret a Manger, we walked back home.

Converstaion on Westmoreland Road:

Louis: "Yeh, it's not actually that far when you think about."

Rich: "I know, I've done it many....."

Louis Interupts: "Is that Mr. Glover up ahead?"

Rich: "Gawd, it looks like him"

Louis: "Oh shit, it is him"

Rich: "Quick, hide"

Louis: "He's too close, he will see us"

Rich: "Well, erm, get out your Pret a Manger wrapper, pretend you were revising"

Louis: "It's too late, the exam was yesterday"

Rich: "Bugger it. Just prepare for pain"

Mr. Glover: "Hello boys, on holiday are we?"

Rich, through gritted teeth: "Just keep smiling"

Louis: "Do you think he saw us?"

Rich: "He's still talking to us"

Mr. Glover: "Well, erm, goodbye boys."

Louis: "Phew, that was close"

Rich: "FFS"

So, after that unpleasentness, we stopped off at the residence of Mr Dave Jani, my owner apparently, yeh, thats right, I'm his pet, where he made himself a nice illegal copy of the Wicker Man soundtrack, a feat that I repeated yesterday by the way, then off home to commence a massive 4 day Father-Ted-athon, which was only interrupted by a horrific day of 4 exams, which added up to 6 hours. Then work, another 4 hours of toil.

The friday, yesterday at the time of writing, was spent watching father ted all day, untill work, which was finished at 10 pm, so I came home, after stopping at Favourite Chicken in West Wickham. I was dissapointed to be seen by any of my peers from school in suuch a happening place (innit Sami).

So, thats the whole of study leave so far, and i still have a whole week off. Result!

And now I am going to shock and disturb you good people.

Yesterday I gave into peer presure and bought the latest offering from System Of A Down, and it is awesome. So, from now on, I am a Downer! So, off to Bromley tomorow to purchase eyeliner and some self harm devices.

So Good Bye My Wiggas!

2005-05-28T15:25:00.000+01:00

When the day is dawning, on a Valley Sunday morning....

2005-05-13T08:57:00.000+01:00

Directions

1.Start at Edinburgh Airport.

2.Catch flight from Edinburgh to London Heathrow Airport.

3.Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

4.Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

5.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International ParkwaySouth" - follow for 0.2 miles.

6.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - followfor 0.3 miles

7.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North AirportExit" - follow for 2.9 miles

8.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for29.2 miles

9.Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles

10."US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles

11.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for104.0 miles

12."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles

13.Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles

14.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for7.8 miles

15.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5miles

16.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for1.7 miles

17.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1miles

18.Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas"

Now that's the way to f*****g Amarillo!!!!!!!!SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW . . .!

2005-05-10T14:19:00.000+01:00

You had to laugh....

Some of may know, that I hold Mr. Nais*ith and some members of is hockey squad, in what could not be described of in the highest regard. In other words, i feel like they are all a bunch of, what I like to call, "Cunt* "(Censored, just in case)

So I bet you can imagine my happiness when I heard about how they performed in the National Hockey Finals, the game they had spent their lives building up to, and incidently chucked us off the astro turf for no reason in the process, and also sucked up to Nais*ith more than was thought humanly possible.

So, they've made it to the final, put up a good show, but it seems like time may well run out. They are losing 6-5 and are giving it one final push in the last minute. Finally, their luck seems to have changed. They win a penalty, to tie the game and take it into extra time. Unfourunately, this penalty was missed, by the Player who wished to remain unamed, so lets call him P. Dobson... nah, thats to obvious, hows about Peter D.

So the weeks of hard training, missing lessons, sucking Nais*ith's hockey stick, all down the drain, and I am to be told that the look on the face of the leader of these W&nkers was absoulutely priceless. It will cheer me up when I am down to think that Nais*ith endured all those homosexual Blow Jobs for nothing.

Happy Days :)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2005-04-19T15:27:00.000+01:00

After Charlton's defeat to Bolton on Saturday, many people looked to blame the referee, who gave a dubious penalty in the 7th minute. TV replays have shown that he was spot-on, so I'm writing this apology letter, to say sorry for abusing him during the match.

To Mr. A. Wiley,

I am writing to apolgise for the way my fellow Charlton Athletic fans and I treated you after you gave Bolton that penalty on Saturday.

Hate is such a strong word, and I'm sure you will agree that standing up to express such dislike of you was not approriate.

The similarity between your name and that of the male penis was one that should have been overlooked, and I accept that singing that "The Referee's A. Willy" was unfair and uncalled for.

Also, as we knew exactly what your name was, the "Whose the wanker in the black" chants were not neccesry.

Despite your sister being you're mother, and you're father being your brother, the fact that everyone in your town is fucking one another, this means nothing when describing your barstadisation.

Your mother may well have been on the game when you were concieved, and of course, your daughter is in a bit of trouble with her dealer, but that does not affect your personality, and I daresay you didn't have a tenner riding on the game, despite decision making to the contray.

Yours faithfully,

Louis Mendez.

PS. I don't really know where you live.

2005-03-12T18:02:00.000Z

"Is there anything thing in the ketchup?" A question that has plauged mankind for many a year, and the furious debate was reignighted at Planet Hollywood in Times Square, New York.

Well, time it is to write the post that reviews the voyage to New York in America.

Wednesday 2nd March

Arrived at school about 3:30am, and board the coach, ready to depart at 4 sharpish, only for Olli Perslow to arrive late. Lazy Fucker.

Painless passage through Heathrow, Terminal 4: The Phantom Menace.

The flight to JFK was fairly dull, I struggled to get much sleep, ended up watching Little Britain, plus half of both The Incredibles (shite) and Toy Story 2 (unshite).

After the stringent security checks, which included the interrogation of Sami Yusuff, the shoe bombing, long haired terrorist that he is, we were on our way out into the snow. The first smell in the United States- Pizza.

The coach journey into Manhattan was disasterous. We broke down on some road, causing a massive road block. When we finally arrived at the hotel, we were given our keys and Me, Richard and David went up to room 302. The lift in this building was phenominal. Less than 2 seconds to go from the lobby to our floor. I was impressed, theres never been a lift that has nausiated me so.

After a short restbite in the room, we went for a stroll around the block as a group. Then got some lunch, a nice Philly Cheese Steak. Bit greasy though.

That evening, we went to the Rockafella centre, and were given the choice between going ice skating, going to see Interpoll at Radio City, or just walking round, which we chose to do. Was pretty funny watching all the others attempts at skating.

Thursday 3rd March

The day starts at the deli next to the hotel, where I go for an egg and bacon roll, and a bottle of nesquick chocolate milkshake- yum yum.

During the day, we took a bloody long stroll to Central Park, which was covered in snow, with enough yellow snow to not feed an army. Then we went to the seminar, which lasted 2 hours in a nicely warmed room. Many people used this time to make up any lost sleep.

Then, on the subway to the world famous Penn Station, which ironicly is directly under Madison Square Garden. There, we were given a bit of free time, which we used to buy a giant pizza, in a resturant that had a some politics on the wall, about when occupation becomes dangerous and unlawful, anything over 28 it said. Erm, I beleive there were more than 28 soildiers in Iraq. Cough. The rest of the time we used to tour Macy's, with its maigcal kingdom of other dimensions, including the mystical first and a half floor.

On the way out, we encounted a charming young man by the name of Mario. He was a big issue seller. He eventually talked his way into 3 sales, at $2 each. Later we found out we had been sold the December 2004 issue.

Anyways, we all strolled to the Empire State Building, where, after some more security checks, we were shot to the top in a lift that was doing about 5 floors a second. And the view was spectacular. Bin Laden's lot would love to get their hands on that. From there I had my first glimpst of the Statue of Liberty. The gift shop was then filled with screaming 17 year olds as the mad scramble to grab the wrist bands commenced. I managed to grab a red one for my Chav brother Jethro (neek name :oP) which said "I (heart) New York" on it. After going back down in the lift, I spotted the sign that I ordered to advertise my shoe fixing and cleaning business, that was situated a couple of blocks away.

We then took a mammoth detour on the way back to the hotel, but we did pass close by to the impressive Chrysler Building, my favourtie looking building in New York. Sexy Beast. We also passed one of my resturant outlets, which was called Wendy's. For low, low prices, and not un-greasy food, come to Wendy's. Mmmm.

When we returned to the hotel, I went up to the room alone and tried to enter the room. I spent 5 minutes worrying as my key card just was not working. Time and time again I tried, failing repeatedly, untill a women in a passing Lift said to me, "I don't think that is your room key," at which point I put away my Metrocard and got out my room card, which worked first time.

That evening came my finest hour. Our trip to the cinema had been postponed, in order to allow for other films to come out, so we were given a free evening. Richard, Troy, Dave, Gary, Ashley and myself headed back to the Rockafella centre, to participate in some ice skating. Whence we arrived, we were advised to wait 40 minutes till when the next session was starting, so we took a stroll to the nearest Starbucks, which unsurprisingly wasn't too far away. (Sidenote- Bromley's second Starbucks is soon to open!) Anyways, there we were informed of the daily battle for coffee's ("Get yaw' hand off ma' coffee foo'), by the friendly fellow who worked there. Then, we strolled back to the Ice palace, and commenced the skating. I could barely stand. By the end of the 2 hour stint, I had fallen down many times, and taking down 3 different people with me on three different occasions. A bit special, I am sure you will agree. On the rink was a White Trash style American boy, I daresay from the South, who was probably about 10 years of age, but could skate like a pro. He used this fact to my personal disadvantage, skating fast in front of me whenever I passed anywhere near him. The highlight of the night, and yes, probably any night, was when he fell over onto the icey bed of shame (the floor). The many Chris' and Andrew and some others also turned up before the end of the night. We then had a quick pit stop at Mcdonalds (nowhere else open) before making the 11pm curfew.

Friday 4th March

Day starts once again with the egg and bacon filled roll coupled with nesquick.

The first proper action of the day was the long walk back to Madison Square Garden, where we were to have a tour. The Motley Crew had performed there in the previous evening. The tour itself lasted about one and a half hours, and wasn't all that. We saw the dressing rooms of the New York Knicks and the New York Rangers, but to be honest, the stadium didn't seem that much when you are in there. Altough, naturally, I was allowed into a royal box.

After this, we went back into Penn Station and got the subway (tube) to South Ferry station, where we were on the coast by the Stat o' Lib. Here we were given the choice to either jump on a boat tour around the Statue, or stroll along to Ground Zero, where most people chose to go. Ground Zero is now just a large hole, the width of which reminds you the sheer size of the buildings that used to be there, and the loss of life that happened on 9/11 was shown by the large boards, filled with thousands of names of the lost.

After Ground Zero, we went for some lucheon at the World Trade Centre Burger King. The messages and values portrayed in here where strong- none more so than the Burger King Bill of Rights. You have the right to hold the pickles and the lettuce etc.. We salute you Burger King Bill of Rights!

When we had arrived back at Times Square via the subway, we were led into the cinema, where, myself, and about 10-12 other members of the Langley Park Posse decided to go and see Hitch, staring Will Smith. And my god did it rock. It had everything, from a fat bloke dancing, to Will himslef kicking a girl in the face accidently :).

And that evening came the magical meal at Planet Hollywood. On my table was Me, Chris, Chris, Andrew, Will, Dave and 'Chard. And that guy who spent the whole night in the toilet but kept getting refills for his drink. Cant remember the fake name we gave him to convince the waiters he was a real person. We had some giggles, drunk some Pepsi, ate some food (I went for the chicken Ceaser salad (I know, gay )) which was all good. And the evening was made, when Sarah floated over to the table, and enquired if there was "Anything in the ketchup?" Richard looked confused for a while, before repeatng "Anything IN the ketchup??" He has admitted since that if he were a bit quicker, the answer would have definately included "I dunno, tomatoes" This joke still runs to this day. "Alright Richard?" "Yeh, I'm good thanks." "Anything in the ketchup?" "Lol!"

The rest of the evening was spent in a nice stint at Virgin Megastore, in which time we spent about $300 between us. My list of purcahses throughout the whole trip consists of : The Strokes- Room on Fire; The Simpsons- Series 5; Franz Ferdinand- the album with bonus tracks; The Fresh Prince of Bel Air- Series 1; Austin Powers International Man of Mystery; Austin Powers The Spy who Shagged Me; Shaun of the Dead; A Beetles DVD for my Dad, Spongebob Squarepants the Movie; A t-shirt with the slogan "If I gave a shit, you'd be the first person I'd give it to; Some Hersheys choc for ma' mam; A Clockwork Orange and Hero for Josh; Some Golf Balls for my Nan 'n' Grandad; A statuette of The Empire State Building for my other Nan; Some Keyrings for Hollie and Lauren- my neighbours and a baseball for their brother Andrew.

Saturday 5th March

On the final day, after an egg and bacon roll and nesquick combo, we were given 5 and a bit hours free time. In this time, we strolled around Times Square, gandering around the local outlets, buying what we felt like. And for lunch, we (Me, Ashley, Dave and Richard) went to the Olive Garden, a reasonably nice resturant, where I ate some nice chicken masala thing. Nothing major happened on this day, but we did have a laugh.

And so, eventually, after some coach malfunctions, we left The Edison Hotel for the final time. The view of Manhattan in the evening, with all the buildings lit up was spectacular, and worth many a photo.

Upon arrival at Newark airport, we were all worried that a delay to the other coach would mean that some of the group wouldn't make the flight, but a massive delay to the flight itself stopped these worries. Me, Dave, 'Chard, Chris, Chloe, Andrew, Scott, Huxley etc. sat in a big circle and chatted out the delay, with Richard causing me to laugh hysterically at every little thing. On the plane, a few further delays with parts being broken, then borrowed, then broken some more, so eventually when we were away every one was a bit tired. The flight lasted overnight.

Sunday 6th March

We arrived at Heathrow and passed thorugh customs just like that . Then we were left to wait for our bags. "Come on bag, come on bag." "It's a bag! It's inanimate!"
So we were back on the coach and headed back to Langley, where our wonderful journey had started just 4 days before.

So there it was, the wonderful trip to New York, New York. Hope you enjoyed my trip diary as much as I enjoyed the trip itself. Though I don't think you did, I mean, New York rocked, and you are just reading a computer screen.

Ciao :)

2005-03-01T00:31:00.000Z

Hiya People. Its currently half past midnight, and I will be waiting outside the School that is Langley in 3 hours, waiting to be carted off to New York, New York, USA. Am I excited. Of course. Am I letting it phase me? No. I am using this time wisely, well, wisely enough considering I decided sleeping was not an option. I am writing my Macro Film essay coursework, and after that, I shall be pissing around. And I will keep you posted with all that I do:

12.36: Just finished the intro to this post. Essay word count is 276. Franz Ferdinand album is on Come on Home, one of the 11 classic songs on the album. I am also MSN-ing it out with Teh Dickybod. Chuckles are being shared.

12.49: New album now, The Darkness, the rockage is at a high level. Might be moving onto my second pint of orange juice soon. Word count is 331.

1.02: Just got that OJ. Word Count: 394. Spent the last few minutes reading a hilarious chat that 'Chard had with an American 13 year old girl from Manchester, UK, who has size changing features, that change from large to small and back again in a matter of weeks. No tiredness setting in yet. Im just looking foward to a Mcdonalds breakfast in Heathrow Airport. The Darkness are getting mellow, with Love is Only a Feeling. And oh my god do I know.

1.11: Time is seriously flying (excuse the pun). Im worried t'essay wont be finished. Word Count: 467. The Darkness are Giving up, Giving up, Giving a Fuck. I've still got to finish my packing, and for the love of God, take a bath. I stink, im serious need of some wet attention.

1.30: New album again. The Killer- Hot Fuss- the one album I have played the most over the past few days- for a simple reason. The stop button on my CD player is broken. Only joking :). It's really good. The OJ hath been downded.Word Count: 662.

1.50: Aol just went for a nice restart. Thankfully i had copied and pasted all of this post into my chat with Dickybod, or I would have lost it. Word Count: 739. Nearly time to give up untill Sunday :)

1.51: I have in fact given up now on the essay. It shalt be finished by a jetlagged Louis on Sunday. Providing there are no bad delays on the flight home.

2.08: Just looked up, realised the ceiling has actually changed colour during the course of this evening. We had some bloke replaster it today, and it is drying currently, therefore it has changed from completely brown to white with small patches of white.

2.21: Final album on now- The Scissor Sisters, plus I am watching NBA Basketball with mute on. Just to get in the mood.

2.58: Just come downstairs after a nice warm bath, and then a game of PES 4 whilst drying. I was Middlesbrough and I beat West Brom 2-1. Hasselbiank scored a screamer in the top corner on the volley from 25 yards to open the scoring. Now i shall be leaving you to finalise my packing. Then of to New York. See you all on Sunday, when no doubt, I wont be arsed to write up the tripon here yet. I'll do it some other time. Ciaoooo!

2005-02-24T15:32:00.000Z

Whilst most people know about the hooligan violence that blighted football in the 70's and 80's, few will be aware of the clashes that took place between rival children's TV gangs. This week sees the publication of 'Congratulations you've just met the RJF', the long awaited biography from children's TV favourites, Rod, Jane and Freddy. This explosive book brings readers face to face with the relentless violence of 80's kiddies TV.Some extracts are as follows;

Beginnings Rod: In 1979 there were a lot of really useful firms operating out of ITV and "The Rainbow Boys" were one of the best in the business. The problem was, because we were new, we were always on the outside looking in. It was time to make a bit of a noise and show them we could handle ourselves.

Freddy: We decided we were going to take Play School in their home pub, Chatters wine bar in Hampstead. On the face of it, it was a fookin ridiculous thing to do. They were pretty handy and had a big reputation, but that didn't mean nothing to us. We were ready to make our mark and didn't care how we did it.

Jane: We got there early and just kept a low profile. Pretty soon the whole place was filling up. There were quite a few faces in there: Fred Harris, Derek Griffiths, Big Ted. I can't say it bothered me. All I was thinking was, "You're going to get it, you numpties!"

Rod: I think it was Johnny Ball who clocked us. I can remember him saying something like "I can think of a number: the three w****s stood over there"and it all kicked off. Even though they hit us with everything they had, we took it. All I can remember is Freddy screaming, "Hold the line, just hold the f'in line" and we did.

Jane: I didn't think they could believe that three of us had taken about forty of them at their place. They just melted away, flicking the V's at us and looking like a total set of pu-s--s. I saw Hamble with blood p!ssing from an open head wound. To be honest I was too wound up to care.

Rod: We walked away from there with our heads held high. The Rainbow Boys would have to take notice now. Rod, Jane and Freddy had well and truly arrived.

The Battle of Blue Peter

Rod: There's been a whole heap of bull spoken about who vandalised the Blue Peter Garden. The truth is that place got torn up in one of the maddest, bloodiest children's television rucks I can ever remember.

Jane: Blue Peter were always giving it some about how they were the best in the business. We were happy to let them think that. Our feeling was they'd got sloppy and hadn't fought anyone decent for about five years. Their shows always went out live, so the plan was to wait until the end of the live broadcast and pile in. The trouble was it didn't work out like that.

Freddy: We'd gone over the wall and started heading towards them. It was Simon Groom and Janet Ellis and we could tell we'd taken them by surprise.Rod wades in and bang, bang, bang they both go down like a sack of s^$te. It was all a bit too easy and we couldn't work out why the camera crew were holding back. Then we realised, they'd been having some sort of past presenter's reunion. They all came pouring out of the studios: Noakes, Purves, Singleton; all ready to kick seven shades of shte out of us.

Jane: As far as we were concerned there was only one thing to do. Stand our ground. Other firms would have run but we just thought, fck, this far and no further. It wasn't easy mind. They were tooled up with bottle tops from a bring and buy sale. Peter Duncan was just wading into us with a bicycle chain shouting, "Take that you c*~* !" I honestly didn't think we'd last much longer.

Rod: Then we heard it. The best sound in the world; "Up above the streets and houses, Rainbow climbing high!" It was The Rainbow Boys battle cry the cavalry was coming. Zippy dropped the nut on Biddy Baxter and suddenly things were a bit more even. I swear on my mother's grave if security hadn't stepped in we'd have murdered the b*****ds.

Freddy: The garden was totally f***d. They covered it up and said it was the work of vandals. No it wasn't, it was the scene of our finest hour

2005-02-04T15:16:00.000Z

Right. Here we go, the blog that will end the horrific drought of blogging that has claimed many lives. On the bill today: Hair, Working, Schooling, Living, etc.

Firsts things will happen third, just for a change, so it's third things first today:

Schooling- Why. Why did I take ICT? Did I have a death wish, and the only way I could see it succeeding was to bore myself to death? Was I pounded with SPAM emails that contained sublinimal messages, that tricked my mind into thinkking I "needed" ICT? It is most probably the most boring, pointless thing I have ever done.
Thankfully, I took 3 other subjects, 2 of which contain watching a lot of Videos/DVDs. Meeja is always entertaining, whether it be for 'Chard's wittiness, Malyszko's dancing, or Sydnie/Mandy's general skill at making perfectly normal comments sound funny. Film- Malyszko is at his hilarious best, in this smaller, more intimate class. Business- Glover is actually quite funny, and I have be known to tickles Reid's funny bone in that lesson as well. Theres other reasons that lesson is good too. I can lean againts a wall for a start. Comfort in hardness.

Right, second things second. It makes sense really.

Working- This starts with a charity appeal.

This boy does nothing.

This boy has gone through the tragedy of losing his Friday nights. His social life has taking a horific battering due to that. Please, donate just 4.34 an hour, for four hours, and he will be able to afford to leave his Friday night slot, and re-invigorate his miserable tiring life. You know it will cost 10 quid to buy a Strech Armstrong. I am by far the better deal ;).

Firsts things third.

Hair. I just cannot decide how to style my golden locks. Do I go back to the classic "cut" look, or do I decide to leave it longer- in what may be described by some, including my mother, as the "trendy" look. I personally have a hatred of all things trendy. Whether the trendy is being a Chav(ette), or the floppy haired alternative rock style, it certainly gets my goat. There is a certain movement associated with each group. Chavs- the bop. Alt.Rockers- the spasticated shuffle. The reason I hate trendyness is because it is the most unorignal thing someone can do. Anyways, the haircut is happening tomorow, so I will be de-mulleted by Monday.

Fourth things fourth.

Living- Sucks, dunnit. Work, School and Boredom- thats what I do. I am not looking foward to the summer months when the football season is over, although trips to numerous places will provide a change of scenery.

Any Other Business- Franz Ferdinand Rocks! The Killers Rock! The Darkness Rocks! Rock Rocks!

Done and Dusted. Hope ye enjoyed it. Ciao Wendywebaroos.

2005-01-08T23:08:00.000Z

Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town. As they left the nightclub, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to.

"Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying. Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?"Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings!"

2004-12-29T20:20:00.000Z

Review of 2004

Well, with the year just about to finish, it seems the almost perfect time to write a review of the year. So here it goes:

JANUARY 2004

The year starts in Ashley's bedroom. Oh yes. And, it even gets better at some points! Yes, the party at Ashley's was slightly dull but that was mainly becasue the alcohol dried up by about 10.30.

Football wise- we sold the bastard Scott Parker to Chelsea for 10 million pounds. He hasn't been seen since. If you have any idea of his whereabouts, please call 0800-GREEDY.

My memory is a bit hazy for January, so that is all for that month.

FEBRUARY 2004

My mind is even more hazy for this one, so much as i cant remember anything. Must have been a great month long party!

MARCH 2004

The creation of WendyWeb changes the world forever.

I go on a free trip to Chessington World of Adventures, thanks to the good people at LWT.

I also took a school trip to Stamford Bridge, where Scott Parker now warms benches, and left him a little note reminding him of that fact.

APRIL 2004

Easter break happened, and I made the most of it. By catching up on a lot of sleep.

Charlton wise- we won 1-0 up at Anfield, exactly a year to the day ater I went up there to see us lose 2-1 in the last 3 minutes. I did however go to Fulham away at Loftus Road- the worst ground in the Premiership, and we lost 2 -bloody- 0.

MAY 2004

The GCSE exams started- the exams which shaped the rest of my life untill when I started 6th form.

Charlton finished their season 7th in the league, very nice.

And I spent the first Saturday of the half term in that month if a voyage to the Millenium Stadium, Cardiff to see the play off final between Palarse and West 'Am, which was the day my love affair with Franz Ferdinand started, after listening the album for the whole day. I had to queue 4 hours on the previous Monday to get my ticket by the way.

JUNE 2004

Finished the GCSE exams and started the anxious wait untill the results, with a massive Summer Holiday.

Euro 2004, and watching at least game a day. Half the England games ended in the bitter disapointment of defeat. The other half we won. Greece won the whole thing though, which was quite a shock.

I post the greatest joke that this site has seen in this month, the one about Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee.

JULY 2004

The continuation of my very long summer holiday.

I spent the last week of this month in France- in a gypsy style camp. Needless to say, this wasn't my idea of a good holiday. Surounded by French people who think they are better than me because this is their shitty CUNTry. Wankers.

AUGUST 2004

Was at Tolmers Scout Camp for a week, helping out my former Group's leader and also joining in the activities.

The football season and Charlton lost 4-1, the won 2-1, then won 3-0, then lost 4-0. What some would call an indifferent start.

26th August was a BIG day- my 16th Birthday and also GCSE results. Celebrated at a camp in Marlow, after decent results and a nice haul of presents.

SEPTEMBER 2004

Started 6th form.

A load of shit surfaces about fox hunting and annoys me. I think it shouldn't be banned, simply because it is a way of life for the people who do it, and helps them on their little farms. The people who want it banned are sad freaks with nothing better to do than run into the Houses of Parliament. And I'm not just talking about the MPs.

OCTOBER 2004

I get and start my job at Sainsbury's Bromley, which has payed me monthly since. Im loving it.

The Hockey aka. Poofs in Shorts post creates worldwide recognition for the site. Gives me a cheap shot at that wanker Naismith aswell.

I travel up by supporters club coach to scouser land to watch Charlton lose 2-0 up at Anfield. Humbugs are in order.

NOVEMBER 2004

A month full of jokes on the site, all very funny nonetheless.

I go to White Hart Lane to see Charlton fuck Tottenham over 3-2, and get punched for my troubles. That or I walked into a wall!

That night, had the most dangerous fireworks display in our neighbours garden, where 3 or 4 fireworks fell over and fired at us. Scary and exhillarating.

DECEMBER 2004

Went on 2 film trips up London, the first reasonbly poor, the second, Garden State, much better.

Had work Christmas party- bit of laugh. More of a laugh because Charlton had jus nicked a last minute winner away to Palace, in a match where they missed a penalty and I was watching it in that pub, filled with palarse fans.

Had a pleasent Christmas.

Wrote this list.

Well, I hope you enjoyed reading a summary of my year, I'm sure I've forgotten important things, but oh well, you'll get over it.

And a good night to you all!

2004-12-22T22:36:00.000Z

Merry Christmas Everybody, from everyone at WendyWeb- i.e. Me, oh, and Rocking Santa!!

2004-12-19T20:40:00.000Z

Me, with Buster - please don't discriminate just because he is black.

2004-12-17T13:44:00.000Z

A few things to get off my chest, and onto my blog.

Garden State

Went to see the above film on a film studz trip to London. We took in a lot of sites, Leicster Square, Burger King, Switzerland, St. Peter's Square (Thanks Sav...), Capital Radio and of course, many Chavs. I wonder if there is a single town or city left in our country that doesn't have its own tribe of Chavs, I very much doubt there is. Incidently, my Chav borther Josh tagged along.

Anywas, we got to the cinema, and I found may way to the Royal box, being a Prince Harry lookalike (?!), I was allowed in straight away. I was sat next to Chris "Singing Tie" Manlow, and Ashley "Singing Mouth" Watson. The film itself was excellant, some classic funny moments, including a man with balls written on his head. Anyways, as soon as the film was over, Dave, Richard and myself headed straight for Charing Cross to head home, as I had work that evening. Had it been any other day, I would have stayed up town for a Daytona Racing extravagander.
I was home just in time to go to work. Yay.....

The Last Day of School

Chavtastic! The dancing we were "treated" to was just, whats the word I'm looking for...oh yes, CHAV. Seeing a slighty butch Russian girl doing that dancing was just disturbing though.
The day as a whole was quite a laugh though. Got up, went to school in the piss rain, came home again with Dickybod, drank a bit of hot choc, went back to school in the piss rain, sat in assemebely, watched the dancing, plus was treated to seeing Ashley sing, which was actually good. Then, i erm, sort of went to prefect duty a bit..., well ok, I didn't, but it wont be a problem for 3 weeks or so , never mind, I mean, why should I stay behind when no-one else had to. So, now school is over, but not Work.......

Overtime aka Here you go Louis, have some money.......

Ok, i've got a nice 10 hour shift this Sunday, which is the start of a mammoth 26 hour week :o

Timetable

Sunday 12pm-10pm
Tuesday 4pm-10pm
Thurday 6pm-10pm
Christmas Eve 12pm-6pm

FUN FUN FUN!! Oh well, i stand to make a lot of money so woo!

Any Other Business-

New Years Eve

Hoping to do something again this year, possible party at my house, although more likely at Ashley's house, so i dont actually have to do anything.

Shopping

Going shopping tomorow, gonna get some deals, cos my nan knows these things.

Well, that was one hell of a blogathon, but ciao ciao for now.

2004-12-06T21:59:00.000Z

Drinks at the Pub- 9 Pounds
Missing out on 2 hours of Working- 8 pounds 68
The Charlton Shirt I was wearing- 40 pounds

Seeing Dennis Rommedahl score in the 3rd of 2 added on minutes away to Palace, whilst sitting in a Palace Pub- PRICELESS

OH MY GOD- What an incredible game, Deano saves a penalty from AJ, Jerome Thomas skins the Palace wingers 5 or 6 times in the match, and Rommedahl scores the winner 11 seconds after the full time whistle should have blown. The 5th of December 2004- exactly 12 years after the emotional return to The Valley, we go and do over the team who shared their ground with us- the bastards. I will remeber that game forever- and I'm sure the poor girlies who jumped out of their skins when I went crazy will alos never forget, the mental tourture will become more apparent in their later years.

-----------------The Sainsbury's Christmas Party------------------------------------------------

I have to admit, I started off a bit slowly here. Having already been in the pub for 3 hours before anyone else turned up, and having been awake since 6 am, I was nodding off before 7.30. But when my good friend Luke turns up, with all the guys and girls whom I speak with but know hardly any names, i got my free Stella and i was away. The music was good, although my requests went unfullfilled, but I had a good time. i tried to have a Red Bull to wake me up, but it was 2pound fucking 20 p, total ripoff, but it helped. One Smirnoff Ice later, follwed by another pint and some "lovely" food that was stolen from work, I was well into it, speaking to everybody i hardly know. I, incidently, was the only person still in full Sainsbury's uniform, although I cunningly covered it up with a nice hoody that I own, although, in hindsight, I wish I went in what I am wearing now, my school suit, with my snazzy purple shirt and tie, I look like a white Vicor from Big Brother 5, proppa cool

2004-12-01T22:00:00.000Z

Depression

Sorry that I have failed to post for the last 2+ weeks but I have found absoultely nothing interesting in my life. Which is probably what has bought on the current bout of depression that has gripped me all this afternoon. My life feels empty, without meaning- for fuck sake i've been turning to working at Sainsbury's as my one form of excitment. Someone or something is needed to complete me. I know this is an unuaslly deep post for Wendyweb, but I don't know what to do. Send in answers on a postcard to mendez194@hotmail.com.

Lenord

A strange one this one, has no respect for the feelings of others it seems. Has he successfully done the complete oppisite of James bond in Goldfinger and turned a straight girl into a Lesbian. Picture this, Paul muses over asking Jessie out, next thing we know, she is demanding more female nudity in British cinema. Has Paul put her off men forever, and does he plan to do this with every other girl in the lower sixth form, as he seems to be planning to ask all of them out before christmas. Some would say you cant blame him for trying, not me though, desperation doesn't seem like a good quality to put over to the ladies when asking them out. He might wanna play it cool like me- it might not work, but at least I have my dignity........

2004-11-14T19:51:00.000Z

These two convicts were about to be executed.

The Warden says to the first one "Do you have a last request?"

The convict says "Yes. I'd like to hear A Christina Aguilera song one last time."

The Warden says "OK, I think we can arrange that." Then he says to the second convict "How about you? Last request?"

The second convict says "Yeah. Kill me first."

2004-11-12T10:11:00.000Z

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo, (andhe doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is stillstanding on the curb."Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take yourseat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me driveat the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.""I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what ifsomething should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never goneto work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behindthe wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting theairport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph."Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but thePope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, butthe cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets onthe radio."I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped alimo going a hundred and five."So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the fucking Pope as a chauffeur!!"

2004-11-11T16:02:00.000Z

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!" "Woah, what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!" "No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him." "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him." "Now that is one awful way to go!" "No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"The fucker was wrecking my house."

2004-11-05T15:21:00.000Z

I did the dirty northern bastards with one, so heres one for us fucking southern fairies.......

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE SOUTH:
NAME____________________________________________ (if longer, please continue on separate sheet)SCHOOL__________________________________
DADDY'S COMPANY_________________________

1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing (x) amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local JP to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of (y). The difference between (x) and (y) is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?

2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month, she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace dress. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?

4. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However, he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent column start?

2004-11-03T13:30:00.000Z

holy shit, 2 posts in one day, lol.

anyways.........

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE NORTH NAME..............
NICKNAME.............
GANG NAME............................
NAME YOU WANT ON YOUR GRAVE.................................

1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells a "fat one" to Vinster for 300 notes and 90 grams to Tommo for 90 quid a gram. What is the street value of his stash?

2. Ant pimps 3 tarts in the Hacienda bogs. If the price is 40 quid a shag, how many tricks per day must each tart perform to support Vinster's 500 quid a day crack habit?

3. Whacka wants to cut the kilo of coke he bought for 7k to make 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need to make the coke "top banana"?

4. Christy got a 6 year stay at the Strangeways Hotel for murder. He also got £350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends £33,100 per month on thermal underwear and waterproof coats, how much money will be left when he gets to tread the cobbles again?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his hard - earned?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the average letter is 1 square meter, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint if you get 20% extra paint free?
Extra Credit Bonus: How many cans will fit in the hood of a standard kangol anorak?

6. Liam steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Eamo loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Emo 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled before he gets "Sorted"?

2004-11-03T13:05:00.000Z

An award should go to the British Airways gate agent in Manchester for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.....................

A crowded British Airways flight was cancelled. A single agent was re - booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the B.A. agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "Fuck you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir....................... but you'll have to stand in line for that too."

2004-11-03T12:07:00.000Z

2004-11-02T15:09:00.000Z

Help!

Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry ...

.----------------------------------------------------------

Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

----------------------------------------------------------

Customer: I have problems printing in red...Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

---------------------------------------------------------

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Helpdesk: And now hit F8.Customer: It's not working.Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...

----------------------------------------------------------

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.Customer: OKHelpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?Customer: YesHelpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!

----------------------------------------------------------

A customer couldn't get on the internet.Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?Customer: Five stars.

----------------------------------------------------------

Helpdesk: How may I help you?Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?>Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it

2004-10-18T20:02:00.000+01:00

Hockey- aka. Poofs in shorts.

The sole aim of this post is to denounce any man who plays, teaches or generally enjoys watching hockey. Not ice hockey, but the pussy type you play on fake grass. Running about with a long stick, yet no contact is aloud. No violence, no raw passion, just runnig aroung with a walking stick hitting little balls.

The main offender at being a twat hole hockey gay is a Mr. Naismith, who teaches to a bunch of twats at Langley Park Boys School, Kent, England. We had a special spy infultrate his under 17 team, which consists of players in the lower sixth form. And this is what happened in his lesson:

1. The boys get changed, admire each others penis' and get ready to play hockey. Mr. Naismith watches through the window from the PE office to the changing rooms.

2. Any boy who forgets his kit is forced to play naked, as it is unhygenic to play in your underpants. Fair is fair though, Mr. Naismith enforces the rules on himself when he forgets his own kit. He forgets it every week though, must be going a bit barmy.

3. The lads travel up to the astro-turf, and get out their hockey sticks, before proceding to shove them up Mr. Naismith's arse, as they both gain sexual pleasure from this.

4. They then bend over, to play hockey. But Mr. Naismith sees this perfect chance and bumfucks all his little hockey friends. They don't mind though, anything to be in his good books.

5. After a full-on training session, the lads head to the showers for some hard-on sessions. The clumsy bastards are always dropping the soap. You may even think they are doing it on purpose.

In conclusion, hockey is a gay sport for pansies, and Mr. Naismith is a total poofta/paedo.

Special thanks to Chris Longhurst, for his general brilliance, and provinding the twat hole hockey quote.

2004-10-09T22:13:00.000+01:00

Some funnys for ya!!

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so goodI

love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

If you can't read this, you're illiterate.

2004-09-16T22:31:00.000+01:00

Burn Them Foxes

I've had it up to here with this crap about fox hunting. What a load of bollocks. Stupid pussy peacy people should keep their noses out. I'd rather the big cheeses was talking about important stuff then giant red rats. Some peoples lives depend on the hunting. And also think of all those doggies. Think what their little faces will look like when you tell them they can have fox and chips for dinner any more. Poor bastards. They're so cute aswell. The way they run, play, tear off flesh, they are the perfect pets.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sixth Form

Good so far, except I got set loads of hw tonight. Bah humbug.

2004-09-04T22:04:00.000+01:00

Well, i know this is a bit delayed, but on my 16th birthday, 26th august 2004, i recevied my GCSE results:

German- A
English - B
English Lit- B
Maths- B
Media- B
GNVQ ICT- Pass- equivilent to 4 C's
Business- C
Stats- C
Double Sceience- 2 C's

I was fucking delighted (excuse my A grade german).

Although i am sad that I have to go back to school soon. I don't know why i dont like it, i don't find it hard, its just not for me i guess, but I've no other sensible ways to go, so i'll have to do 2 more years.

I'M 16

Things to do legally (the clean version)-

Play the Lotto- might aswell do it once
Buy Ciggarettes- I won't smoke 'em, cos i wanna smell kind of nice and live past 30, but I mite aswell feel big and buy them once
Buy 2 pints of beer or cider at a resturant away from the main bar in a pub with a meal- someone i know assures me this is real law, so, might aswell try it out.

Anyways, bye for know!

2004-08-18T19:27:00.000+01:00

This is a must read story that will really touch your heart.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day aConstruction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest inall the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers

.She hung around and eventually the construction crew -- gems in the roughall of them -- more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffeeand lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to makeher feel important.At the end of the first week they even presented her with a payenvelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all theappropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar payshe hadreceived to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story andasked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crewbuilding a house all week.""My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working onthe house again this week too?""I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring usthe fucking wood," replied the little girl

2004-08-12T20:11:00.000+01:00

We got Danny Murphy!!!!!! We got Franny Jeffers!!!!! We got Dennis Rommedahl!!!!! We gonna kick sum ARSE!!!!!

Here's a joke for you funny people, thanks to Miss T

A lady goes to her priest one day and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, and then, he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that horrible thing-in no time at all." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution to my problem."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

2004-08-09T17:56:00.000+01:00

hi-dee-ho wendy fan club members

Sorry i havent been posting but ive been away.

Any way, here is the world's rudest campfire song:

Walking down Canal Street,
Walking down Canal Street,
Knocking on every door,
Knocking on every door,
God-damn, son-off-a-bitch, I couldn't find a whore
God-damn, son-off-a-bitch, I couldnt find a whore

Finally found a whore,
Finally found a whore,
She was tall and thin,
She was tall and thin,
God-damn, son-off-a-bitch, I couldn't get it in
God-damn, son-off-a-bitch, I couldn't get it in

Finally got it in,
Finally got it in,
Wiggled it about,
Wiggled it about,
God-damn, son-off-a-bitch, I couldn't get it out
God-damn, son-off-a-bitch, I couldn't get it out

Finally got it out,
Finally got it out,
It was red and sore,
It was red and sore,
The morale of the story is to never fuck a whore!!
The morale of the story is to never fuck a whore!!

2004-07-21T22:40:00.000+01:00

50th post, and my last for a couple of weeks as I am off to France. Its a good joke though:

Ronaldo, Luis Figo and David Beckham are standing in Heaven before the throne of God. God looks at them and says; "And so here you are to face your Lord and maker. I shall ask each of you a question."

Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "Ronaldo, one of the world's greatest football players, what is it that you believe brought you here before me?" Ronaldo looks God in the eye and says passionately, "I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so Many people, from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people, with little else, who stood on the terraces supporting their team." God smiles and offers Ronaldo a seat to his left. He then turns to Luis Figo, "

And similarly you, Luis, a hero to so many, what do you think it was brought you to my throne?" Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these commitments." God, moved by the passion of his speech offers Figo a seat to his right.

He then turns to Beckham, "And you, David. Presumably you want your ball back?

2004-07-19T12:11:00.000+01:00

One day a guy got invited to his girlfriend's parents' house for dinner. He really liked the girl and wanted to impress her parents. When he arrived at the girl's house he was quickly whisked into the dining room where they were getting ready to sit down for dinner. He sat down in his chair and the family dog curled up under him. Halfway through dinner the man felt a rumble in his guts.

He was very uncomfortable so he let a little bit out hoping no-one would notice. As soon as he finished his discreet trouser-guffaw, the girl's father yelled at the dog, "Rufus!"

The guy thought, "Hey, this is great!" and let out a little bit more.Once again, the girl's father yelled, "Rufus!" The guy decided to let all the wind out since the father thought it was the dog.

After he let a really long chuffer out of the back door, the girl's father yelled at the dog, "RUFUS!! Get out from under that chair - now! Before that man craps on you!!"

2004-07-18T12:35:00.000+01:00

The Warning Signs of Insanity...

Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Milton Keynes asking why you never write.

Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl

.Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.You collect dead windowsill flies.

Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

You like cats. Especially with mayo.

You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.

You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

Melba toast excites you.

When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."

You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

You keep thinking this is the year for the Oldham Athletic.

You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindi.

You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.

The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.

You like reading lists like this.

2004-07-16T23:15:00.000+01:00

Wow, new fonts aswell!! I wont take the piss though..... Ok, maybe i will

Just to say that you can now leave comments on my posts. Here is a bulleted list of who can leave messages (your right Dickybod, its great):

Mates- fellow bloggers, or just people who read t'blog
AOL Jokes Board users- unless your gonna sue me for nicking your jokes
AOL Charlton Board users- i really want some comments on my Carlton "Rapist Bastard" Cole- plus it will prove aol members click on my link
Generally anybody, i wont be deleting any critisim of me unless they are racist or something like that (and that includes gingerism)

Wow, that was fun. I would write even more but to be honest, i cant really be bloggered. :) biiiii

2004-07-16T18:59:00.000+01:00

Red? Blue? Green?

Blogger has got better!!

2004-07-15T21:58:00.000+01:00

Thank you to Laingbri on the AOL jokes board for this joke which will make you pmsl, hopefully not in the shower though :)

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and coloureds. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.

Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumicestone.

Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.

Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash. Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Dry off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN......

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed leave in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom if you see wife along the way - shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound.

Look at manly physique in the mirror, admire size of knob and scratch your a*se.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.

Make fart noises (real or artifical) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving four pubes stuck on the soap.

Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of the shower. Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on the floor. Admire knob size in mirror again.

Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on the floor, leave light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise, again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

2004-07-13T12:44:00.000+01:00

Be very proud to be British Because...

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

8 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

And finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

RULE BRITANNIA!! AND THE GREAT BRITISH BEAN!

2004-07-12T17:55:00.000+01:00

WANTED

Rapist, Judas, Over-rated and a general bastard.

2004-07-12T12:07:00.000+01:00

Tips

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your attic.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

Convince neighbors that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a massive truck outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the big truck unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

Nissan Micra drivers: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from hitting the snooze button, rolling over and going back to sleep.

2004-07-10T12:20:00.000+01:00

People Who Should Be Phased Out...

* People who always harmonize the last few notes of "Happy Birthday."

* People over 40 who can't put on reading glasses without making self-conscious remarks about their advancing age.

* People who wink when they're kidding.

* Men who propose marriage on the giant TV screen at a sports stadium.

* A celebrity couple who adopt a Third-World baby and call it Rain Forest.

* People who have memorised a lot of TV-show theme songs and are really proud of it.

* Women who think it's really cute to have first names consisting solely of initials or three names.

* People who give their house or car a name.

* People who can juggle, but only a little bit.

* Actors who drive race cars.

* People who wear watches on the inside of their wrists.

2004-07-02T18:31:00.000+01:00

Post number 40! Hoorah!

But I've got some good news and some bad news:

GOOD NEWS: Saddam Hussein has been sentenced to the death penalty.

BAD NEWS : David Beckham's taking it.

2004-06-28T20:54:00.000+01:00

2004-06-20T21:44:00.000+01:00

Just a quick one:

I said something today which made my big brother laugh, so here it is:

"Peter kay is my idol. When I grow up, I want to be northern."

2004-06-15T11:38:00.000+01:00

Biggest Football Letdowns-

After this weeks massive letdown in the last 2 minutes againts France,I have decided to a list of my biggest letdowns in the world of football.

5. Euro'96 England Vs. Germany, Semi-final, Wembley. Lost on penalties to the bloody Germans.

4. Premiership Fulham Vs. Charlton, Loftus Road. The one away game I go to all season, and we flopped big time, lost 2-0.

3. World Cup '98 Argetnina Vs. England, 2nd Round, Somewhere in France. Lost on penalties to the bloody Argentines.

2. Premiership Liverpool Vs. Charlton, Anfield. Travel 4 hours up, winning until the 86th minute when Liverpool scored twice.

1. Euro 2004 England Vs. France, Lisbon. We all know the bloody story by now, and it wern't funny Dickybod.

2004-06-14T10:39:00.000+01:00

CMON ENGLAND

2004-06-12T13:37:00.000+01:00

A travelling salesman knocks on the door of a house. A kid, about 12 years old, answers the door. He's wearing a pink tutu, has a cigar in one hand, and a martini in the other.

The salesman is a little taken back, so he asks,
'Excuse me, son, are your parents home?'

The kid takes a big puff on the cigar and answers, 'What the f*** do you think?'

2004-06-10T11:19:00.000+01:00

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final
approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain.
We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for
flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can
hear his conversation with his co-pilot.

The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watch a gonna
do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the
hotel and take a big crap . . . . .then I'm gonna take that
new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner . . . . .
then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room
and put it to her big time all night long!"

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins
looking up and down the isles trying to get a look at the
new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very
back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to
run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down
the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on
her face.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear.
He's gonna take a shit first."

2004-06-09T20:11:00.000+01:00

Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has
got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny
and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the
lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally
out comes little Johnnys favourites, the clowns.

Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns
comes up to him and says 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?'

'No,' replies little Johnny.
'Are you the rear end of an ass?'
'No,' replies little Johnny again.
'In that case,' says the clown, 'you must be no end of an ass.'

Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way
home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, 'Little Johnny
don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and
repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he
will sort that nasty clown out.' At this news little Johnny cheers up and
looks forward to the next night.

The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning
wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the
circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the
master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the
lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come
the clowns.

Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns
comes up to him and says, 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?'

Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and
repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice:

'Fuck off you Red nosed Twat!'

2004-06-07T19:42:00.000+01:00

I conuoldt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht
oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist
and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you
can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not
raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?

2004-06-04T16:35:00.000+01:00

Hello, my name is Louis. I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion f**king chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we?

"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every good looking model in the magazine!" What a load of bull. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to the USA by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower. Sod them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's your own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you sexless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Oh, by the way all you idiots out there...NO COMPANY HAS ANY WAY OF TRACKING E-MAIL OUTSIDE THEIR SYSTEM -NO, NOT EVEN MICROSOFT!!! THERE IS NO SUCH TECHNOLOGY YET!!!!!! AND IF THERE WERE, IT WOULD PROBABLY BE AGAINST THE LAW TO TRACK IT FOR PRIVACY MATTERS.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

2004-06-03T12:38:00.000+01:00

Today, the legdend that was Richard Rufus has announced he has had to retire. Here is my celebration in pictures of his career.

birth date: 1/21/1975
birth place: Lewisham
birth Nation: England
Height: 185
Weight: 66
nationality: England
Position: Defender

2004-06-02T22:05:00.000+01:00

A 7 year old and a 5 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. " You know what" says the 7 year old, "I think its about time we started swearing".

The 5 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs I am going to swear first, then you swear after me"

"ok" the 5 year agrees with enthusiasm

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast "Oh Shit mum I guess I'll have cocoapops"

WHACK

He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up and run off crying his eyes out. She looked at the 5 year old and asks him sternly "And what do YOU want for Breakfast young man?"

"I dont know" he blubbers, "but you can bet your Fucking arse it wont be cocoa pops"

2004-06-02T15:32:00.000+01:00

Just in case anyone wonders what I look like, there I am in all my glory. \/ \/

2004-05-26T15:54:00.000+01:00

I AM GOING!

2004-05-22T11:02:00.000+01:00

Just a quick one.

This is a candidate election broadcast on behalf of David Blunkett.

I think ol' Blunkett should be Prime Minister.
He is as tough as old boots.
When they chucked purple flour bombs at Blair,
Blunkett didn't flinch ... no fear.
:oP

2004-05-20T21:11:00.000+01:00

Steven's Fuck You Right Back.

Louis "I take it like a bitch funky sex machine" Mendez
Louis "Keep it in the family" Mendez
Louis "Dead girls" Mendez
Louis "Yet another extinct animal" Mendez
Louis "Monger" Mendez
Louis "Sand in my vigina" Mendez
Louis "Anal beads" Mendez
Louis "Anal exploration" Mendez
Louis "Luncheon meat trunchen" Mendez
Louis "Thats my dildo" Mendez
Louis "Gimmie 20 mins with ur mum" Mendez
Louis "My woman has a beard" Mendez

2004-05-20T17:54:00.000+01:00

As the final ever Biology lesson is upon us, I have decided to publish some of my work. This is a list of nicknames I came up with for Steven Fisher.

Steven "Child Fiddler" Fisher
Steven "My arse smells" Fisher
Steven "Up the arse" Fisher
Steven "artificially Inseminated" Fisher
Steven "If only I had one" Fisher
Steven "Do it again Howellsie, just faster" Fisher
Steven "Cork up my arse" Fisher
Steven "Homo Status" Fisher
Steven "I can fit 2 in my mouth" Fisher
Steven "No, I like it up there" Fisher
Steven "Test tubes are my parents" Fisher
Steven "I like people watching" Fisher
Steven "Dead sheep don't say no" Fisher
Steven "Its warm up here" Fisher
Steven "I like goats" Fisher
Steven "I've got a goatee down there" Fisher
Steven "My book tosses of my arm" Fisher
Steven "It fell of in Vietnam" Fisher
Steven "He cant find it" Fisher
Steven "Live cows do say moo" Fisher
Steven "It wont take long with this" Fisher
Steven "Homo Erectus" Fisher
Steven "I want to be punished, Sir" Fisher